[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
black phone good
Life with a cat in one tweet
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never