Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”