ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care