I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still