I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?