Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?