@daemonic3

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

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@momofcritters

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@dkn33c

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@DeathBecumsMe

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

@jasomnambulism

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@thedailymarker

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

@LaLuchaNix

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

@MrGeorgeWallace

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.