[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.