wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Dance like you’re not the father
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?