Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*