Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Dolls on drugs
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My work here is don’t.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.