my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You Might Also Like
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.