me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
#merica
Life hack
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo