PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “gar莽on! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I鈥檝e only been awake for an hour, but I鈥檝e already been fooled 38 times.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Wife: I鈥檓 trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They鈥檙e, like, little voices that say things in my head.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Knowing that Tolkien鈥檚 original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I am interested in:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 making peace with the terror of being alive
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor鈥檚 yard like a normal person?
This meal prepping shit is easy
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Job Counselor: now that you鈥檝e flunked dental school, what鈥檚 your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn鈥檛 it
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.