Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Brands during Pride
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>