Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Beware of the dog..
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.