I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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I’m awake but I object,
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry鈥HRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON鈥橲 GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
11: Mom if you鈥檙e sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: [from table] gar膰on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
People in my neighborhood think I鈥檓 power walking, but really I鈥檓 just trying to get home to poop.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.