I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
#Caturday
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.