LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS