me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
wtf is an acronym
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀