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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The best shot in the history of golf
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
That’s classic.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies