I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
m’lady
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.