Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
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Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh