I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
remember
only for emergencies
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.