I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.