How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.