ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The pen is writier than the sword.