My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
fired
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know