Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*