A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!