Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.