The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
This January has 47 Mondays
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*