My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana