Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
this is funnier than any friends episode
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.