date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
You Might Also Like
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?