No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
omg leave her alone
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.