Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you