@Jandalize Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
@abhorrent_wife I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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@Jandalize 
@tastefactory Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
@chuuew ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
@dafloydsta Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
@lilydont I can’t stop laughing at this
@daemonic3 Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
@JohnLyonTweets I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
@wolfpupy i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
@noog Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
@LoperGeorgia All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss