I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”


ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!



Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents


Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis


I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.


i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day


Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.


All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss