I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
🖤✌🏽
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there