I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.


People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.


I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.


I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.


Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat


People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.


My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.