I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The booster protects against what, now?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”