I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
That’s easy for you to say
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
How can I say no to this ?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo