Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
So that’s what we looked like?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points