My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.