[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Yoga Matt
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??