most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Merry Christmas
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Smells like a challenge to me
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!