most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating