I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Noah was an idiot.
Always 🥴
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N