Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Do not levitate over flowers
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother