Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?