Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️