Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”