lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.