When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.