When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.