Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Kids, do not try this at home!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
That eye roll….
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”