@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

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@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@LindaInDisguise

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@Psycholyst

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

@MichaelJErhart

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

@fckboyseatpizza

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.