michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.