Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader