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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown